Why does the person you love the most, hurt you the most?
3 Mindshifts I made to deal with it.
Why does the person you love the most hurts you the most?
The bigger the investment, the more your chances to bear the loss.
A stranger can harm you but not break you.
It’s the one sitting inside your home who breaks the walls of your home.
And that’s when you feel devastated.
It’s not the person who hurts you, it’s the home that breaks, hurts you.
When the one whom you treated like a family starts treating you like a stranger, you are shaken terribly.
The one who takes your home for granted.
People walk miles towards you before they can walk miles away.
Anyone in your life whom you confide in has the key to lock you in their home.
And you feel happy locked in.
Until the locked home is beautiful, you never search for the key.
The moment walls begin to break, the stay begins to feel painful.
But leaving the home feels more painful.
Why do you allow Love to the person who hurts you the most?
You love the process when you receive something that you love. Keep hoarding it without pause. Keep filling in your tank.
It might overspill but you enjoy the spillage.
So is love.
When Love comes from someone who makes you feel important, special, valued and above all privileged, you let it all in.
It makes you feel fortunate to have someone pour love on you.
This becomes your powerhouse, serving like a secret candle spreading its light inside you.
And you feel brightened.
You see no red flags when the flag of love is all over.
All you want to see is the bond grow and forge deeper.
Just like you cannot expect to fail the exam you’ve studied the most for, you never anticipate anything bad to happen in the relationship you’ve put your heart in.
You just keep putting in your efforts to see it as a success.
But sometimes the exam can be hard.
So does love.
More love is not always equal to more happiness.
You allowed love but you did not know what Love could allow.
Love is like a blindfold which makes you overlook things that you do not feel comfortable with.
And there exists some discomfort in every relationship as no two people can be spotless in loving each other.
When you love someone, you give them the freedom to play around with your every strong and weak emotion.
But when the level of discomfort increases, it gets replaced with pain, and that’s when love fails to continue driving.
You allowed the discomfort in the name of love and now when it’s become a pain, Love takes the back seat.
You never invite hurt; you fail to acknowledge when love is inviting discomfort.
What causes the love to hurt you?
When you invest love in someone, the prime receiver of joy is you.
You love giving it so you keep walking miles to make it stronger.
Even if you care for the person, the undercurrent is, that care nourishes you.
You somehow are being fed with Eternal bliss by pouring your love for the person.
You feel good about the bondage you forge and you keep pouring in.
The relationship that you revere is not because the person is flawless, but because love makes you look at the person above all flaws.
Now what goes wrong when suddenly everything that looks great starts looking hideous?
Yes, love does not hurt.
It’s the expectations from love that fail to meet, hurts.
Why do you have expectations?
The inherent trait of humans is not complete selflessness.
We love giving but loving without expecting something in return is where we fail.
Even when we give out of choice, expecting back is like an involuntary action.
For a moment just Imaginnne…
- You are sitting for two competitive exams.
You worked extremely hard for one than for another.
When you take the exam, you somehow expect the exam you invested more in to do better than the other.
- You’ve bought several company’s stocks. But the one that you have invested the most, you expect the most out of it.
Anything that you invest more in, you want it to grow and come back more.
This is how humans’ function.
And if at all the results do not meet your expectations, it interferes with your peace.
So is love.
The person in whom you invest your emotions the most, you expect the most from the person.
Why does the person you love most hurt you the most?
Your biggest spotlight is on yourself.
You are your first attention.
More than loving others, the need to be loved is more.
And it’s this needs that makes you love people.
So, everything that you give out comes from a place of need:
The appetite for love!
Now when you give your share of love to someone who is closest, you overlook flaws, and the little discomforts and embrace minor differences.
Because no two people are alike.
We don’t love people for their perfection, we love them for their affection.
But the sailing is not always smooth.
Differences become unavoidable.
Discomfort becomes painful.
Spotlight becomes less.
Your needs fail to be met.
And you feel deserted in the companionship that once was like a world to you.
When you are not fed in love as per your needs, the association hurts. When you invest, you expect a certain return.
And when the returns fail, the investment is a loss.
3 MindShift I made to avoid being hurt by a loved one.
No matter what I write here to help you, it’s altogether a different game when you have to take action.
I have had battles, become a victim plenty of times in relationships and no wise words helped me right away.
But when it got painful, I realized if I kept blaming others for putting me in trouble, the pain would not move away.
It slowly chips away at your peace and no one other than you can help you in it.
And after many failed attempts, I just understood one big truth:
No matter who hurts you, the reason will only be you.
People can show you the bad side, but they cannot force you to feel bad about it.
The cage and being free are both your choices.
3 mind shifts that made me stronger and selfless in love:
1. I took responsibility for my love quotient
The reason behind being hurt is not the love that went bitter, it’s your dependency on people for love.
Until they feed you, you are happy.
And when they stop serving you, you puff out.
It’s like taking love on rent.
And you can never be the owner of that love.
Somehow this dependency makes you weak.
I found myself also stuck in such weak places where I depended on people to make my love quotient high and happy.
But then, I unlearned things and realized I was in love with the rented apartment that would never be mine.
I had to find my place.
The love that I would serve myself on my plate.
If you cannot feed yourself with love, the emptiness might get filled by the people you believe to be the closest, but that never guarantees you to remain filled.
The moment you take responsibility for your love quotient, you will not be shaken when their love for you falls apart.
2. I stopped buying their harsh words
The truth is: We love ourselves before we love anybody else.
Our emotions are sacred to us.
We keep them guarded.
Don’t want anyone to make a show of our emotions.
Keep ourselves pampered and just cannot afford to be belittled by someone.
It’s an innate trait of humans to be attached to one’s own emotions.
We quite vigilantly observe how the world treats our emotions.
Being so possessive about yourself, anything that feels attacking to your emotions creates pain for you.
But you have somehow given some authority to the world to control your emotions.
I Am writing this, but I claim: that I Am no less of that.
People’s actions and words decide my mood.
But then, I have become aware of this drowning pattern.
It’s not about you being treated badly, it’s about them who become bad.
You get agitated because you assume it’s about you.
But what you fail to understand is, that they did not attack your emotions, you came down to their level to match their badness.
Once you understand that before people put you down, they have to come down to show their bad side, you will not feel attacked but rather pity on them.
That’s when you leave them with their badness and not indulge in it.
When you don’t buy their words, the words get back to them.
3. I chose to improve no matter who needed improvement.
No matter how badly they hurt you, if you are feeling hurt or bad in the association, it’s time for you to make changes.
Things that bother your inner realm cannot be mended by anyone on the outside.
If anything creates trouble, before you remove the trouble, you have to create a barrier first so that it does not invade further.
Improvement does not mean we were at fault. It means we will not let someone’s fault affect us.
Hence working on our energy makes us less prone to such sentimental breakdowns.
We build our compartments of emotions stronger.
I want you to remember, the World will never stop hurting you. And you cannot control the World.
You have to work on yourself.
It cannot nullify the hurt completely, but it will not drown you in this hurt.
Before you work on making your realm stronger and reservoir of love sufficient to resource you, you need to detach yourself from the hate you cultivate for the person.
Self-strengthening does not come from a place of hate.
Focus on the hurt, not the person who hurt you.
I hope this blog helps you in navigating situations when you are utterly hurt by a close one without hurting the person back.
Let me know in the comments, how much it helped and resonated with you.
And what more you could have thought about this matter?
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