How to say no in a smart Way?

When your heart wants to say no, and your head nods in agreement, that internal mess is a real struggle. 

“It takes heart to say no when our heart and brains and guts and most importantly, pride are yearning to say yes, Practice.” – Cole Harmonson

This post is for you:

• The one who starts giving the ocean when asked for a Drop.
• The one who loses peace if you fail to help others.
• The one who feels guilty for not showing up.
• The one who assumes will upset others if not served them when needed. 

Well, I too belong to the squad!

Yes Yes Yes!

My fixed answer to anyone and everyone who would come for a favor from me.

Unless I am extremely fatigued or something is beyond my affordability, saying No always looks like a crime.

And if ever I said it, the gesture would look obscure to me.

Well, it is a kind of conditioning and not about philanthropy entirely. 

And calling it goodness no matter how bad it makes you feel, is unhealthy. 

Helping is good.

But when you don’t have the resources or even the mental space to accommodate an extra piece of work, you are letting that pleasure of pleasing them disturb your peace. 

It’s a severe self-battle that you don’t feel fit to fight.

What psychology promotes such Behavior?

Numerous factors propel you to nod yes with a smiling face even when No is shouting loud in your mind.

I feel your pain.

The double face that you don’t like having. 

It’s not always out of choice but the conditioning you are hardwired in.

When saying Yes is uncomfortable but saying No is like a herculean task, you fail to choose between:

 Discomfort of saying No or going for the hard ride with Yes!

Before you come up with any of the responses, Yes or No, you need to find what are the major reasons that push you to say yes.

1.  You are a pleasure seeker.

I’m hearing that big No.

Okay, stop.

Allow me to explain. 

When you are up with that Big yes, you get a positive wave of energy from the gesture as well as from the person. 

This wave of positive energy sparks your personality. 

To see yourself as someone kind, dedicated, obedient, philanthropic, appreciated by others and always having a word of mouth, is a real joy.

 This is the feeling that you buy for that Big yes even if you have to struggle for it.

I agree that saying yes is not only about your happiness. 

Indeed, you have a heart that is always willing to help.

But the joy the gesture gives you is always more than the favor you make.

The child was helped to enter into this World from closed walls.

It was the mother’s pain.

Yet who enjoys it more?

The mother.

But then, all days are not sunny.

Sometimes, saying Yes is unaffordable. 

Not because it’s not going to make you feel good.

But at times, your personal space is not enough to accommodate anything other than your pieces.

That’s when you are doing less of a help and more of something that will make them feel burdened with your favor. 

Because it isn’t coming from a free space, but rather a restricted mind.

On the surface, you might put up that smile showing indifference towards that internal struggle, but it never nullifies the real stress you carry. 

2.  You want social acceptance and fear rejection.

You anticipate a feeling of disdain they might show when you decline their need.

You fear if you say no, people might change their attitude towards you. 

You might get lonely once in a while and might feel the need for association. 

And this need is what makes you fear.

The need to be socially accepted.

Being a person who wants to be on healthy terms with everyone, you fear the awkwardness that might come after you refuse to give them your favor.

We have an inbuilt desire, or we are taught to avoid conflict, to keep things peaceful and help people. 

Saying Yes helps you gain acceptance and shield you from social rejection. 

3.  Reciprocal altruism

This is also one probable reason that you might not publicly accept.

But deep within, you know whether it prevails or not.

This is when you overlook your discomfort to help them because somewhere you feel you might need help in future from them.

So, you try being that naive person who hides one’s own needs under the rug.

The Mindshift to say No comfortably. 

Despite being bottled up with this internal struggle, you put yourself out in front of them with that big yes.

But the, telling you to say no to someone right away just because it is harassing you is not going to help.

So, how to say No in a smart way without making it rude?

You need to unwire yourself from the deep-rooted conditioning of what being good looks like.

1.Saying No helps you come out of your comfort zone.

Like talking to strangers, taking cold showers, or giving an impromptu speech at a social gathering, saying no is an inherently uncomfortable thing to do.

You anticipate some sort of negative outcome from your denial, and that’s what makes you uncomfortable saying it.

But saying no teaches you to step out of your comfort zone.

This means saying NO to fear and saying YES to courage.

You need to understand, the Yes that does not make you feel good, is worse than saying No.

Steve Jobs once said:

But you don’t have to be the CEO of Apple to harness the power of No.

2.Say yes when your saucer is full and not just the cup.

An amazing video I came across was such an eye-opener to help people like you understand when to say Yes and when to say No.

The lady in the video said:

You don’t have to act like one shrewd person who is not kind enough to help.

 But you also do not have to show yourself like a sheep who is always ready to be cut.

When your cup is either empty or full, it’s for you to drink.

Don’t pour your cup to fill someone else’s.

When you have a saucer filled, that’s when you can pour it out to others.

No one will misunderstand your No.

The only one who does, is you.

Let that not happen.

See whether you have enough space to accommodate someone before you say yes.

5 Effective ways to say No in a smart way:

1.  Don’t say a blunt No.

If you cannot afford to say Yes, don’t shut them up with a blunt No.

It’s like a shopkeeper telling you to leave the shop when you negotiate the price.

Respect their needs even if you cannot serve them.

A blunt No puts you in a bad reputation.

Instead, speak politely about the inconvenience you have.

Give them hope for the future by adding a few words like:

I might not be able to help you in this situation because of my constraints, but please don’t hesitate to approach me for any matter that I can help you with in future.

This somehow gives them clarity that your denial had a genuine reason and was not just to avoid them.

2.  Don’t beat yourself by telling the complete truth.

You do not owe a lengthy explanation to the shopkeeper who showed you 100 pieces, but you refused to buy.

It’s simply your personal space that you are not obliged to share and make it public.

It’s the same with the situations where you don’t see the possibility of saying Yes.

They don’t deserve a rude no but not a story of explanations as well.

Give them a reason that can justify your denial without making them feel rejected. 

3.Look for chances to help 

There are certain favors that we are not comfortable in but that does not stop us from showing up in other situations. 

If you cannot help someone in situation A, look for situations where you can show your philanthropy.

There are certain situations where you don’t feel pulled back from helping them.

Your personal space does not feel blocked.

Make a balance. 

When you are there with a Yes for a majority of need-based favors, a few denials do not put you in guilt

 

4.Choose who deserves your favor

Your life should not accommodate everyone.

Just like a lift has a limit to its capacity and it does not exceed that limit to avoid an unnecessary topple, your personal space too has a limit.

Find out how much can you afford to give a part of yourself to others without letting you feel overburdened.

This needs a little rehearsal to find out more about your limits and capacity.

Once you know how much you can accommodate, you can pull the plug anytime it feels like you’re exceeding your limit.

And at this point, you are guilt-free for you have a clear sheet of calculation as to when to stop giving.

5.Don’t just blurt out any random reason for your denial.

Saying no is not necessarily always over a message or a phone call.

Sometimes it is a random situation when you are asked for a favor in person. 

In such instances, you lose your wit to tackle the situation.

And you blurt out a big No without having a solid background for it.

This jeopardizes your image and takes a toll on your reputation. 

Rehearse.

Practice and be prepared for situations like these.

It might appear absurd and funny to practice such a thing.

But you are going to thank me for this.

When your mind knows how to decline someone’s request or need for a favor without making the person feel dismissed, it makes you walk with confidence.

Such rehearsals help you avoid the unnecessary shitty day that turns up because of your inadequacies in such prompt situations.

Keep these examples in mind:

• I Am sorry, but I have an urgent piece of work allotted by my friend. 
• Thank you for the invite but I’m sorry I will not be able to show up as my husband’s friends are coming over. 
• I would have dropped you, but I am a learner myself. I avoid taking responsibility for someone when I drive.

So, the next time you get trapped in a situation where you do not afford saying yes but saying No feels uncomfortable, I want you to remember this before making any response:

People are not offended by your denials. What upsets them is the coldness in your favor.

Don’t lend the favor that burdens you.

It might not be easy to jump saying no early on, but if you learn to make a respectful denial, saying No will look like just a response.

All it needs, is practice getting comfortable with the fact that a denial is not rejection, it is a mode of conveying your inconvenience.